I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert

Author:Stephen Colbert
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Humor, USA, Satire And Humor, Television comedies, Social values, Essays, Topic - Political, Politics & government, Form, Form - Essays, Political culture, Political, United States, American, Political satire, Television personalities, Humour, General, Topic, Colbert Report (Television program), U.S. - Contemporary Politics, American wit and humor
ISBN: 9780446580502
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2007-10-08T05:00:00+00:00

STEPHEN SPEAKS FOR ME

A C H A N C E F O R AV E R AG E A M E R I C A N S TO AG R E E W I T H W H AT I T H I N K

My name is Austin, and I am a reformed homosexual.

I was only six years old the first time I chose to pervert nature. I was with my mother at the bike store, and I decided to feel a thrill of excitement when I noticed a shiny purple Schwinn with plastic flowers on the basket.

From that point on, I chose to feel different from the other

boys in my class. Until the age of twelve, I merely elected to feel a vague sense of not quite fitting in. But then, when puberty hit, Austin,

I resolved to be alienated from and picked on by male peers.

a formerly gay man

I kept up this sinful pattern well into my twenties. I chose

the urges that made my father stop talking to me; I selected

the longings that led a group of morally stronger men to beat me up in a parking lot; I even picked the sense of contentment I felt during a three-year live-in relationship with an older man. But all that time, I knew I was living against God’s will. And so, I tried everything I could think of to turn straight.

I went on dates with women. I joined a fantasy sports league. I changed the shape of my mustache.

Nothing.

I even tried hormone therapy to raise my testosterone levels. All this did was make me go fat and bald, which, in addition to my pale skin and short stature, turned me into what’s known in the gay community as a “garbanzo bean.” In lesbian circles they’re called “chickpeas.”

Then one day at Hot Yoga, I saw a flier on the Community Board about a gay rehabilitation group called God Also Yearns. They teach that God desires us to accept the true path of love.

I took the plunge and entered their proven three-part program.

•

Accept the authority of your spiritual counselors: They not only condemned my wicked acts, but also sternly judged my clothing and income level.

•

Admit your sins: To purge them, I wrote them down. It became a very popular blog.

•

Submit to a higher power: This consisted mostly of electroshock. The God Also Yearns counselors said I could be completely cured if I attended their four-week rehabilitation camp. I could only afford a two-week course. They said that would also do the trick.

They were right. At the camp, I joined in healing acts of Christian heterosexual fellowship such as heterosexual cookouts and heterosexual trust falls. The highlight of the two weeks was performing in the camp’s traditional-values version of Rent, called Lent. I played Wally, the Republican Senator who casts the deciding vote for the Marriage Protection Amendment. I’ve never clogged with such passion. My God Also Yearns counselors taught me that homosexuality is an addiction like smoking, only you can still do it on an airplane.

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